Despite the brokenness of that season, I found myself thanking
God for it. I grew so much. He was near. The moments we had were full of hurt
yet so sweet.
I also found myself trying to fool God (and myself) into thinking
that I didn’t want lots of little mini-me and Jeffrey’s running away from me
while I tried to kiss and/or tickle them.
That didn’t last very long.
In March we
started asking God for a baby in His perfect timing, of course. We estimated it
would take Him, oh, about six months or so to answer our prayers. Ha!
Just when I thought I was on to Him I got pregnant… in March! Did not expect that.
I woke up Easter morning and eight days late, which is
typical for me. Nevertheless, I lay in bed contemplating the fact that the
month before I was three weeks late,
but could not help to think, “today would be the most perfect day to find out I was pregnant. I would get to celebrate my risen Savior AND
a little life inside of me.” I finally worked up the courage to ask Jeffrey
if I could take a pregnancy test. (I had taken so many tests I was embarrassed.
I even took some without telling him, but he knows now.) To my surprise, he
said yes! I didn’t even have to make my puppy eyes or pucker out my bottom lip
(yes, I really do this and yes, it usually works haha! all in good fun).
I quickly went ran into the bathroom. Did the deed. And prayed
hard with a huge knot in my throat while peeking over at the hourglass. I read
the word “Pregnant” and waited for my foe “Not” to appear. It didn’t. After sitting
there in that moment, which seemed to last forever, I realized I was indeed
pregnant!
All the while Jeff had quickly fallen back asleep. I woke him up
as I walked into the room with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. We hugged
and rejoiced! Those tears of joy quickly turned into tears of fear. Fear of
losing another baby. Fear of hurting again.
On some days the Lord provides peace, and on other days God
allows me to experience fear that I may run to Him.
God, in His sovereign ways, put me in the hands of an OBGYN
who loves and trusts Jesus too. So when I was pregnant again, he rejoiced. When
I came in for my pregnancy confirmation and cried my eyes out in front of him
because of my fears; he comforted me and reminded me that our God is
trustworthy. He also offered to do an ultrasound at 4 weeks to give me peace,
even though we both knew we wouldn’t be able to see much. We did blood work
instead. Got a call from him the next week to tell me my HCG levels were rising
appropriately. We praised God. The very
next day I started bleeding at work.
All of my peace was shattered, but I ran to God. And my doctor graciously fit
me into his schedule that day. We did an ultrasound and saw so much more than
we were able to with the first pregnancy. Peace again. I feel cramping and I
fear. I hear and see our baby’s heart beat and I am at peace.
It’s a roller coaster. I know the Lord is trying to teach me
to find steadiness in Him, and not what is going on in or around me. Just Him. So
hard!
“I am an injured
dancer, and yet one who wants her life to bring glory to the One who allowed
sorrow and joy to dance at all.” -Angie Smith
Since you were a trooper and read all of that, some fun
facts:
I am 12.5 weeks. The weeks are going by sooo slowly. I just
want baby here and then time can slow down. That’s how it works, right? Haha.
Baby is due December 16th. Exactly 6 months after
baby Kai was due.
Dr. said we should be able to find out if baby is a boy or
girl mid July-ish.
Possibly in New Orleans?
I want a baby girl so that I can dress her up in rain boots, tutus and pigtails. Plus I want to see Jeffrey’s heart melt with a little me in his
arms.
Jeffrey wants a baby boy aka fishing and hunting partner.
Yes, I am beyond terrified about giving birth. I am seriously one of the weakest girls I know! Jeffrey can testify. My mom, concerned for my life before I went to Africa, said my little brother was stronger than me… when he was five and I was 20. Ahh! I do not know how I am going to do it. And I watched an epidural video the other day… Bad decision.
Yes, we have names.
Yes, I have color palettes for the nursery.
No, I am not showing. My mommy asks me this every other day.
;) I haven’t gained a pound and my nurse is proud!
Yes, I have (and am still having) my share of moments with
the toilet. But I like it (when I’m finished) because it means I have a baby
inside of me.
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