unfinished details

When I said I would be sharing the details, little did you know I would have a couple of written pages sitting in front of me (unfinished). That's your warning! Get out while you can. Ha! Yesterday I shared that I won't have internet for a little over a month, so its all or nothing. Right now.

During my first pregnancy, we only told a handful of people, and every single person we told I asked them to please pray for the baby’s health and against a miscarriage (I have the same prayer request for this baby). As I read back in my prayer journal, I prayed against a miscarriage more than anything else from the day we found out we were pregnant until the day the miscarriage was confirmed. Even when the miscarriage confirmed, I chose to have a natural miscarriage just in case God would change His mind. In case He would choose to answer my prayers and let me keep the baby I already loved- knowing that He was able. I am thankful for the baby in my belly now, but I want the other one too. I want both of them.

The Lord allowed a serious fear of mine to come true. And through some of my grieving season, I thought I had to be reserved. I thought tears meant loss of control or faith, but sometimes it just hurt.

Once it was brought to my attention that I was in fact allowed to grieve, this verse summarized my life “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with weeping. My eyes waste away because of my grief.” Psalm 6: 6-7.  I gave my deepest hurt to the Father who wanted nothing less than every bit of it. And even then I could not find the strength to be weak sometimes. “Is my strength the strength of stones?” Job 6:12

I also felt so alone in my grief, but was comforted by the fact that I was not alone in my loneliness because even Jesus felt forsaken by God on the cross. I also think I became a little obsessed with taking pregnancy tests and prenatal vitamins, so in case I got pregnant again I would take care of myself to the max and as soon as possible to prevent another miscarriage. 

Well I really gotta help Jeffrey move. I guess I will go somewhere with free wi-fi soon!