in the middle

This song was on repeat in my life about a year ago and I find myself putting it on repeat this week. 

Today I am in the middle. In the middle of baby Ella's due date, December 16th, and the day I miscarried our first little baby December 1, 2011. I don't know why I want this to be made known, but I do. There have been more and more tears for baby Kai lately. I can't tell if the tears are from remembering the hurt or just wanting that baby too. I do know but have never wanted to confess, a lot of the tears are from fear that a baby won't be in heaven waiting on his or her momma- me. 

I know these thoughts are not from God, but I often wonder how long that little life really had life.  Was it just for a week? A day? Seconds? Not even? Does it matter how long that life lived to really be a life? To really be a baby?  

The paper work they gave us when they diagnosed the miscarriage are papers that I keep and treasure. It sounds silly, I know, but they use the word baby. We were so giddy to get our very first ultrasound, only to see an empty sac... it was confusing and hazy, to say the least. I didn't ask a question. I just signed a ton of papers and left Jeff behind to get out of that horrific building as fast as I could.

But I brought the papers with, and I am so glad I did. It reads, "the sac is empty and does not contain a developing baby. It is thought to be due to an error in the early development of the baby. Hormones which give the symptoms of pregnancy often continue after the baby has died and been re-absorbed." Those words kind of reassure me that there was a baby. That baby Kai exists and is in heaven with Jesus. But still I have never struggled in believing without seeing as much as I do with this. I wish I could have seen even a little proof of life in there, and not have to hold on to silly, earthly papers. 

If anyone can think of Bible verses addressing this, that I can store in my heart and mind, feel free to share. 

And feel free to be praying for baby Ella's arrival! And for my fears. Cannot wait to see/love on her and share her with you all!